


Stone by Stone

by laratoncita



Series: To Live & Die in LA [12]
Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: Families of Choice, Family Bonding, Fix-It, Friendship, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23368444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laratoncita/pseuds/laratoncita
Summary: Cesar doesn’t remember much of his mother. Not big things, at least. Eventually she was gone and then it was just him and Oscar.Sometimes, often even, it was Claudia, too.
Relationships: Cesar Diaz & Original Female Character(s)
Series: To Live & Die in LA [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1449880
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	1. cast a shadow

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna run parallel with "golden girl" bc a. apparently ppl miss claudia and b. i want to clean the tag up a lil bit LOL yikes. this corresponds to ch3 of golden girl! :)

Cesar finds her on Instagram.

Monse’s been gone over a week; he and the guys haven’t spoken since before that. Out back, Oscar’s got some girl kicking it with him, a case of ginger ales and Modelos in the cooler while he grills. She’s nice, he’ll admit. Neni Avalos, from the Bay, practically a Martinez in-law thanks to her cousin Angelica still running around with Mario. She’s friendly enough, dark hair, a strong grip when she shook his hand. 

He was kind of surprised—none of the girls Oscar’s brought home in the last year have seemed too interested in getting to know him. Granted, none of them last very long. Only one who ever did was Claudia, and he finds himself frozen for a moment when her profile appears on his suggested list. 

He can’t help but let his attention get caught by the name _Claudia_ , sometimes, but the username includes her last name and Cesar’s never met any Ama besides her. That’s her in the profile photo, too, smiling like she used to smile at Cesar, one he hasn’t seen in ages. He clicks on the profile, reads it: _Claudis_ with a heart next to it, the name of a university, a line of poetry afterwards. 

The photos are like any other 20-something’s profile. Pictures of the beach, of Claudia with her arms around some friends. One or two of her in a classroom, hands on her hips and grinning at the camera. He scrolls and finds a photo of her college graduation, a woman with dark curls kissing the corner of her mouth. 

He takes a deep breath before scrolling up again. Reads the line of poetry, something familiar about it: _Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde_. Neruda, he thinks. Monse left him a book of sonnets. He’s only read one so far, so overwhelmed with thoughts of her that he had to put it down. Can’t help but wonder what she’d say if she were next to him right now, tries to remember when the moment was almost reversed. He clicks follow.

Gets up, afterwards, from where he’s been sitting on the couch. He grabs a solo cup for some soda, looks out the back window. Neni’s telling some story, gesticulating. Her crop top rides up and he looks away, finds Oscar watching her with something like amusement. His stomach goes tight. Wonders what it means, that Oscar’s got a girl over in the middle of the day, cooking food for her. 

He walks back into the living room and finds that Claudia’s followed him right back. He doesn’t think too hard about it, doesn’t let himself. If he does he’ll remember last year, that month or two where she was back in Oscar’s life and in his, the way she seemed to slowly realize that whatever she had turned into while Oscar was gone could no longer exist in Freeridge. 

After Oscar was first sentenced, it was Claudia who took care of him, just the two of them in a house that suddenly seemed too big. Soon, though, she was gone for school, and it was his primo Adrian who took over. He’s since disappeared—summer was rough on everyone, and with everything that went down it was almost easy to slip away. Cesar’s pretty sure Oscar knows where to find him, though. He also knows that if it were an actual problem, Oscar would deal with it. He’s said that’s his job, after all, one he needs to get better at. Cesar finds himself half-relieved at the thought for all he doesn’t believe it, either.

Cesar doesn’t remember much of his mother. Not big things, at least. She’s not the one who taught him to tie his shoelaces, or ride a bike, or write his own name. He remembers the smell of her sometimes—ash beneath strawberry shampoo, mint gum when she’d hold him close on the days she remembered he was still small enough for it. She was gone soon enough, though. Then it was just him and Oscar.

Sometimes, often even, it was Claudia, too. She lived with them a summer, and he remembers, vaguely, embarrassingly, having asked if that meant they’d get married. Something about their reactions lingers with him; he remembers their expressions, the way their faces always turned towards each other, like sunflowers chasing the sun.

Cesar knows she wasn’t his mother but she was something very close to it. When she stopped coming around it ached, both times. He remembers Adrian’s explanation, his shrug and lackadaisical _She ain’t Oscar’s girl no more, homie, pa’ qué la necesitas?_ He was too young to argue about it, and it’s not like Adrian cared much either way. The second time, that stung worse. One day to the next she was gone, Oscar slamming the door the afternoon things ended, chain smoking for hours and the house reeking of mota for a week. 

He’s had her number. Cesar wanted to ask her what happened; he knew better to ask Oscar, obvious as it was that he was hurting. But he didn’t know how—she was just his brother’s girlfriend. What did she want some freshman asking after her when she wasn’t even his mom? The thought of it curdled in his stomach. He never deleted her contact information but he didn’t do anything with it, either. Wanted to call, those months he was on the streets, but didn’t want to risk it meaning nothing.

Almost a year since she left again. Cesar can’t help but message her—a greeting, _How are you?_ and blinks when he sees her start typing. It takes a long time for the message to come through, and for whatever reason his eyes water when he reads it. 

_Hi Cesar!! I’m doing good, how are you? How’s your summer?_

He types out carefully: _Its been ok. Ready for school to start I think_.

The little “Seen” label shows immediately, the next message coming through faster. _How did freshman year go??_

He flinches a little, tries to sugarcoat it. Types back, _Not what I expected_ and waits for her reply. 

_I hope sophomore year is better :(_ , she types. _It’s ok if you don’t like it tho, college is a lot more fun_.

Cesar can’t help but grin at the message, but then Oscar and Neni walk in, food and drink in hand. Oscar raises his eyebrow, says, “Why you so cheesy?”

“No reason,” Cesar says, slipping his phone into his back pocket and hoping Claudia doesn’t take him leaving her on read personal, “I’m hungry, though.”


	2. like feelin' no fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this corresponds to ch 4 of gg :)

He starts sophomore year by himself. Oscar drives him to school—says something about picking him up, too, that he’s not busy today. A doctor’s appointment the only thing on his agenda, apparently, and then he laughed at whatever look was on Cesar’s face. Said it wasn’t for anything serious. 

Cesar doesn’t quite believe that; he can’t remember the last time Oscar actually put his physical health first, between the cigarettes, the drinking, and the realities of the life he leads. He’s been cutting back, _that_ Cesar’s noticed. Ever since Neni started coming around, in her name-brand athleisure fits and her wide smile, always laughing at something that Oscar said or did like she can't’t help it. Makes something uneasy settle in Cesar.

It’s not that she’s not nice. She _is_. It’s just that...Cesar’s never seen Oscar serious with someone besides Claudia. They were in high school when they started dating, had been friends even longer. Cesar can’t really remember a time when she wasn’t a stranger, not in the actual sense of the word. He remembers Oscar taking him to the park and Claudia showing up there with one of her friends, remembers the summer she lived with them and then the summer it was just the two of them in Freerdige, Oscar locked up.

The day passes by slowly, Cesar moving on autopilot. He has gym with Jamal—can’t bring himself to look at him despite how heavy his gaze feels. He settles at the corner of the room while their coach goes over the same first-day routine they have every semester, reassigning lockers and making sure everyone has uniforms. Afterwards, Cesar slips from the room and heads to the courtyard, his lunch packed by Oscar. 

He sits alone, texts Monse. She immediately FaceTimes him, and he feels almost settled.

“Hey,” he says, answering, and can’t help but smile despite the worried look on her face.

“Hey,” she says, “how’re you doing?”

“I’m fine,” he says, shrugging. He’s in a black tank, tucked under a bench beneath a tree, other students scattered across the small courtyard in the middle of the school. It’s open every day so long as there isn’t a fight; that usually gets it closed for a little while, but even the security guards get tired of having so many kids in the actual cafeteria. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” she says automatically, tilts her head. She’s pursing her mouth, and he’d give anything to swoop in with a kiss right that second. “Class been okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You see Ruby and Jamal at all?”

“Nah,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. He hopes she can’t catch the lie. When he looks at her, none of the worry has faded from her expression. “When’d you last—”

“Monse,” he says, “that’s not why I wanted to talk to you.”

“Then why else?”

“I said it already,” he says, “it’s weird, not having you around.”

“I know,” she says, and she’s frowning now, which Cesar doesn’t like at all. 

Tries switching tactics, asks, “You done with class then? It’s kinda early.”

“Yeah,” she says. Behind her he can see a doorframe, the walls a soft blue, not quite the same color as her room in Freeridge. The afternoon light is soft, but he can tell she has her lamp on, clearly sitting at her desk rather than her bed. “Class had just finished when you texted me.”

“You like it so far?”

She sucks on her lower lip for a second, the habit familiar and missed all at once. “I think so,” she says, slowly, “it’s not bad. It’s okay.”

“Good,” Cesar says. He’s not sure if he should be disappointed the answer wasn’t a _yes_ , or a _no_. They chat for a little while longer, catching up, and Monse promises to call him tomorrow at the same time. Cesar tries to ignore the pang of loneliness that immediately hits him upon having to hang up, and instead does his best to pretend that he doesn’t see Ruby and Jasmine in the cafeteria as he makes his way to his next class.

After school, Oscar’s waiting for him in the same place he dropped him off. Asks him, as soon as Cesar’s got his seatbelt on, “How was school, homes?”

“Good,” Cesar says, trying not to glance at him. Oscar’s getting better at reading him, more like he was before he got locked up. Part of it’s comforting, Cesar’ll admit. It’s not like Oscar’s a big fan of talking feelings, though, so he’s pretty sure it’s fine if he doesn’t tell him it’s been a mediocre first day at best.

“You got homework?”

“A little bit.”

Oscar nods a little before pulling away from the curb, and it’s not until after they’ve gotten back inside the crib that Cesar notices the bruising on his face and neck.

He can’t help the spike of fear it incites, nearly frozen, watching as Oscar leaves his sunglasses on the counter, chain glinting dimly in the faint light that comes in through the window. He’s in his standard gear—white t-shirt, pulled up socks, Adidas. There’s a spot of irritation on his face, right over the teardrop tattoo he’s got. It’s not as noticeable as the redness over the Santos cross, though, skin somehow ashen at the same time. Cesar’s not sure what to say.

He settles for blurting out, “Are you okay?”

Oscar raises his eyebrows. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Cesar blinks, says, “Your face,” and it at least makes Oscar laugh.

“What about it?” He says it like a challenge, and laughs again at the expression that Cesar makes, eyebrows pulled together like always. “‘S laser removal, homie. Shit makes you scab up, too.”

“You—” Cesar feels like he’s dreaming. “You got laser removal? For the tats?”

“What else would I—” He cuts himself off, says, “Yeah. Next session’s in a month.”

“Oh,” Cesar says. They’re standing opposite each other, raggedy table between them. “I didn’t know you were. Doing that.”

“Yeah,” Oscar says, shrugging. Cesar can’t make sense of the expression on his face. “Seemed like a good investment, ‘s all.”

“Right,” Cesar says. Pretends he doesn’t understand exactly what that means for someone like Oscar. For the two of them, Santo blood aged three generations, eyes on their backs everywhere they go. 

He doesn’t want to get his hopes up. That’s all.


	3. overthinking it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this corresponds to ch6 of gg!! title from the willow song of the same name ig?

Come September, Neni is still kicking it with Oscar, and Cesar still hasn’t talked to the guys. Sometimes Jasmine will catch sight of him and try to chase him down, but then she’ll have to pause to use her inhaler and he can make his escape. He feels a little cruel when he does that, but. He can’t imagine why she’d need to talk to him, so he doesn’t pause to find out.

It aches, not having them around. Sometimes Oscar will say something stupid, a bad dad joke, and he wants to text them so they can clown him together, but he can’t. So he doesn’t. Tries to be nice to Neni when she hangs out with them, tries not to take it personal when he sees Oscar getting a job at Dwayne’s. 

That one’s a little harder. He’s mad about it, if he’s being honest. Doesn’t understand why now, over a year after his release from Corcoran, Oscar’s all of a sudden cleaning his act up. He never introduced Neni as anything; while it’s true that Cesar’s never seen them make eyes at each other like how Oscar did with Claudia, last summer and the years before his prison term, he can only assume the worst. The worst being that Oscar’s got a new ruca, and if she’s kicking it at the crib instead of dipping before breakfast on Sunday mornings like the couple of sure things he unfortunately knows Oscar had up until recently, well. It’s serious, he figures. 

So he can only assume, then, that Oscar’s cleaning up his act for Neni. Not for himself. Not for Cesar. Not for Claudia, all those years ago, when she asked them what they thought of San Diego. Just the thought makes his eyes burn. It’s not _fair_.

That doesn’t stop him, though, from still talking to Claudia, on Instagram at first until, finally, she tells him to text her, because she wants to take him out to lunch next weekend, _Unless you’re busy?_ By then it’s October, the days blurring together. Cesar misses everything about this time last year, if he’s being honest. It was hell, sure, running with the Santos. But this was before the shooting, and the Prophets, and the mess with Cuchillos over the summer.

But Claudia is something familiar and unknown all at once, so he says yes. It’s worse than a first date, he thinks. She picks him up and she’s grinning super widely even if he can tell she’s trying not to. He’s smiling just as hard though. It only goes bad when she asks about freshman year again. 

He’s never liked lying to her. It’s just really hard to spin anything that happened over the last year as a good thing.

“What do you mean you weren’t living with Oscar,” Claudia says, voice incredulous, halfway through a gyro, and Cesar flinches.

“It’s a little complicated,” he tries.

“Cesar,” she says, fixing him with an unreadable look. “Explain it.”

He hesitates. Her eyes are still a little shiny from his explanation of what happened with Olivia. Plus, he’s trying not to say too much about his own involvement with the Santos. “Cuchillos said if he didn’t—he said.” He pauses. When he answers he can’t look at her. “He said he’d kill us both,” he says, staring at the basket of fries between them. “It was either that or—or I had to leave, get off Santos territory. I didn’t do what he wanted, with—with the Prophets.”

“Oscar had you—”

“Don’t,” he pleads. “Please.” He looks up at her, waits for her nod. Her lips are pursed. “Afterwards...he said to go with my friends. But it was—it was so long, y’know, and I didn’t want to bother anyone, and I didn’t want them to take me away…”

“Take you away from what,” Claudia says, and then, “Cesar, where did you stay if you weren’t with your friends?”

Cesar looks at her for a long moment. He says, again, “Oscar had to.”

Her voice goes high: “He _kicked_ you _out_?”

“Yeah,” Cesar finally admits, because it stings. He thinks it always will. “But I heard the phone call, Claudis.” He feels nauseous at the memory. “It was either let me fend for myself or. Or let Cuchillos…It wasn’t a real choice, okay.”

“What happened—”

“I know it wasn’t okay,” he says, flinches, because he doesn’t like his own tone. “I don’t. I haven’t forgiven him, alright. But he said he’ll never do it again.”

Claudia looks like she wants to say something, but she closes her mouth before she can. Cesar knows what she was going to.

He says, “Cuchillos is dead,” and her eyes go wide.

She leans over the table, her voice half-whisper. “What?”

“He’s dead.”

“How?”

“Oscar said he had to fix it,” Cesar says. Thinks of how, sometimes, he’d open his locker at school and out would fall twenties and fifties. New shoes or clothes in his gym locker, a plastic baggie full of snacks. It doesn’t erase the sting of Oscar saying he had no brother. But maybe that’s why he kept believing Oscar didn’t mean it. It’s why he _still_ believes Oscar when he says he’d do anything for him.

Because Cuchillos’ body doesn’t exist anymore, and it’s because Oscar finally decided enough was enough in the aftermath of taking the Prophets down. He doesn’t like to think of the summer, about the witch hunt that felt like it was suffocating him and all his friends, but by the end Oscar took care of it. He’s _trying_. Cesar wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, bad as it stings to think things will never be simple for them again.

In front of him, Claudia’s shaking her head a little bit, like she can’t believe it. She sounds scared. “Were you there?”

“No,” he says, shocked. “No, I was with—with Ruby again, just for a few days.”

Her eyebrows furrow. “Why?”

He swallows. “I,” he says. Reaches for his water again. His voice is only a little clearer. “I thought Oscar was dead. He didn’t come back right away, afterwards. Had to lie low.”

“He had to lie low.” She sounds incredulous. Her fingers are tight around her plastic fork.

“He was also pretty cut up,” Cesar says, thinks of the scar that’s formed against his upper arm, where the bullet grazed him. He doesn’t miss the concern that flashes across Claudia’s face, lightning fast.

She takes a deep breath. “I should report that. That’s. That’s child abandonment, at least, Cesar.”

He looks at her. Her hair is shorter, now, and she doesn’t wear as much glitter as she used to, when he was still—well, he’s still a kid, he thinks. Even if he doesn’t feel like it. But she looks the same and different, in a button-up like this is a real important moment for her, too. He says, “Cuchillos said he’d make him watch,” and this time, when she reaches out to grab his hands, he lets her.


	4. don't have much to say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap takes place between 6 & 7 of gg :) restating this feels so insincere LOL 
> 
> title from lianne la havas' "bittersweet"

After lunch, while all of them are on the front lawn and Claudia and Oscar are pretending not to make eyes at each other, Neni pulls him back a little and says, whisper-soft, “Is that your brother’s ex?”

He looks at her, a little concerned. Neni is—cool, he thinks. She’s laid-back. She doesn’t try to parent him, doesn’t hover around the house, seems to be caught up in her own life as much as Oscar. Neither of them have said outright that they’re dating, but Cesar still thinks it’s a little obvious, even if he’s now a little confused. He can’t imagine Monse being cool with, say, Paula showing up one day and making even casual conversation with him, although maybe that’s a Monse thing. 

Then he thinks about it a little more, Neni still waiting on his reply, and still can’t make sense of the weird excitement on her face while she waits. He says, finally, “Yes.”

“Ohmygod,” she says, all one word, glancing between them and Cesar. Neither Oscar or Claudia can seem to take their eyes off each other. “She’s so cute? How’d he land her.”

Cesar gives her a weird look. He knows college girls are supposed to all be— _weird_ , when it comes to relationships, but this seems extreme. “Uh,” he says, and then she turns back to him.

“It’s cool that you two hang out,” she says, earnest, “quick question, is she on Instagram?”

“Uh. Yeah?”

She pulls her own phone out. “What’s her username?”

Cesar, for whatever reason, pulls up her profile. By the time Claudia’s saying goodbye, Neni has apparently given her a follow, and afterwards asks Oscar the same question she posed to Cesar, leaving him even more confused than he already was. Afterwards, eager to escape whatever’s going on between Oscar and Neni, he sits on his bed and revisits the extended conversation he and Claudia had over lunch, which unfortunately centered around the aftermath of Cuchillos’ death.

She asked after the crew; apparently she remembered that they had been on the outs at the end of last summer, too, and he was embarrassed to admit it was worse this time around. He didn’t tell her the things they had said to each other, but she could tell, he thinks. Claudia’s always been good at prying the truth from him—maybe that’s why, like Oscar, it always felt like she was as much a big sister as a pseudo-parent figure to him, even if he was too young to entirely understand why, back when she and Oscar were together.

She said to him, “Maybe you shouldn’t run away every time you see them,” and then grinned a little at whatever face he made.

“It’s not that easy,” he said, and she rolled her eyes.

“Cesar, if I’d tried that when I was in high school my life woulda turned out very different,” she said, a little wry, and then, more considering, “well, I probably wouldn’t have dated your brother as long as I did.”

Cesar had flinched a little. She looked amused. He said, tentative, “I think he misses you, still,” and then it was her turn to make a face. 

“Cesar,” she said again, not quite a warning but close. She picked at her half-eaten gyro before returning to the topic at hand. “They’re your friends, hon.”

“They used to be,” Cesar said, and it felt like the truth. 

Now, in bed with his own thoughts, it feels like the summer was too much for even the squad to overcome. They were practically in a murder-for-hire plot, only then Oscar and that kid who got expelled from their shared middle school in eighth grade, Cuete, came in with an even worse idea and now Oscar’s hands are even bloodier than they already were. Except now he’s apparently trying to wash them clean again. Maybe. Cesar’s still trying to make sense of things.

He doesn’t know how to reach out anymore. Monse tried, before she left. Wanted them all back together for at least a little bit but none of them could bear it. They barely made it through their goodbyes, after all. 

But then he thinks about it. Because Jasmine is still chasing him down even if she must know, by now, that Cesar won’t let himself be caught if he doesn’t want to. Ruby will catch his eye in the cafeteria and it will be Cesar who ducks away first. Jamal will turn towards him in gym, first, before Coach splits them up into teams. 

Lately it’s Cesar who’s not reaching back, after so many months of them all scrabbling to keep each other close. Back then it was a survival method. Lately it feels like the opposite is true for Cesar, even if it doesn’t make him feel any better. Maybe it’s time to admit it’s not. Maybe Claudia is right and they’re still his friends, no matter how nasty things might have gotten, and no matter how hard he’s trying to pretend this is what he deserves.

He rolls onto his belly, pulls his phone up. Scrolls first through Claudia’s Instagram page, and then Neni’s. He notices that she hasn’t gotten a followback yet and grins, even if he throws her a bone and follows her, first. There are pictures of Berkeley, of La Misión, of her in workout gear in a studio dated months ago. Her recent pictures are different: food with captions like _My homies keeping me well-fed_ , a selfie of her, Angelica and Mario, a yellow room with purple flowers on the bedside table. He wants to like her even if it hurts. Even if he thinks that there’s still something left unfinished between his brother and Claudia, and even if he’s thinking of ways to get them to admit it.

But he has time for that, he figures. So he closes the app, opens up his messages, and types out _Hey. How’ve you been?_ in the three-person group chat that went inactive mid-summer 2018, and hits send.


	5. forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still taking place b4 ch7 :) i also refuse to rewatch s3 so im only vaguely referencing what the boys said to each other lol words hurt!! :(

Cesar would rather be anywhere but here, but that feels like a lie. It’s after school, and he told Oscar he was going to walk home, _don’t worry ‘bout it_ , and technically that was the truth. It’s just that he’s waiting for Jamal and Ruby to come out of the building so they can walk together. It’s the first time they’ve spent any time with each other in months.

He’s nervous, chews on his lower lip while he waits. He had taken his time after the bell rang, didn’t want to end up like this even if he did anyway: alone, waiting outside, pockets of people still making their way down the steps even though school let out ten minutes ago. Finally, once he’s begun to tell himself to cut his losses and head home by himself, they appear.

They’re in the middle of a heated discussion, and he feels his stomach sink. Doesn’t matter how long they’ve all known each other, or that he and Ruby go back longer than all the rest, he’s always hated being the odd man out. It was easy, growing up. Ruby and Jamal have parents who love them, a nice house to grow up in even if there were bars on the windows. He and Monse always had that in common—only one parent, until Cesar didn’t even have that, but that, too, for Monse was familiar.

 _We don’t need moms_ , she told him, on one of the rare days his grief had turned to anger, _look at me, I’m fine_.

 _Monse, you got sent to the principal’s office last week_ , he remembers saying, but then she had gotten him to laugh and it didn’t matter.

Now, nearly three months since they had any meaningful interaction, it feels like it makes him too different. Everything about him is too much. He remembers what they said to each other, the way it stung like the truth, a secret unearthed after too many years of hiding. It doesn’t matter that his friends—his _former_ friends—tell him he’s wrong. He still feels as responsible for all the bullshit that happened over the course of freshman year. 

He thinks that maybe, just this once, Claudia is wrong, but before he can turn on his heel Ruby catches sight of him. Calls out, says, “Cesar,” and by then it’s too late to run.

“Hey,” Cesar says, barely manages to stop himself from tacking on a _compa_ , “what’s up, guys.” He winces at the words, the lack of inflection. It’s like speaking to two strangers, except they know each other’s every secret. He hates it.

“Hey,” Jamal offers, and then it’s the three of them just staring at each other, the final few stragglers slipping away from the school’s front steps. It’s painfully quiet. Cesar drinks in the sight of them greedily, can’t stop himself. It only makes sense, he tries to tell himself. It’s hard, after years of seeing each other every day, spending every spare moment they could together, to switch to months of avoidance. Even the few weeks they spent apart last summer doesn’t compare.

Back then he could say it was for their own good. This time around, it felt more personal.

Before he can say anything, though, Ruby says, voice loud and harried, “We’re sorry.” They blink at each other, and then he backtracks. “I mean. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna speak for Jamal, I just. I’m sorry.”

Cesar’s barely blinking away tears when Jamal speaks. “No, I’m sorry too.”

“Me too,” Cesar barely manages, and then they’re stepping together in an embrace, and he has to take a ragged breath from crying. He can’t describe how much he’s missed this.

“I didn’t mean it,” Ruby says, muffled against his shoulder, “none of it, when we thought Spooky was—I’m _so_ sorry, Cesar.”

They break apart and Cesar has to wipe at his nose. He says, voice rough, “You weren’t wrong,” but Ruby and Jamal are both shaking their heads frantically.

“No, man,” Ruby starts, “I was totally out of line—”

“Me too,” Jamal says, “Cesar, what we said was terrible. It was terrible, and we should’ve never said it. I shouldn’t have said—who cares about the money! We could have died! We thought your brother was—”

“I know,” Cesar interrupts, because the panicky feeling—the fear that Oscar was gone and Cesar didn’t even get the chance to say he loved him—isn’t soothed by knowledge that Oscar is probably at home right now, hanging out with Neni or planning dinner already. “I fucked up, too.”

“Not like us,” Ruby says. “You don’t turn on your family, and I—I did that. I shouldn’t have. And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Jamal repeats, and all of their eyes are wet, now, unwilling to revisit _exactly_ what was said but knowing it’s not necessary, anyway. Cesar can see the regret in their expressions, can tell that they’re both being sincere. He is, too.

“I never wanted any of us to be in danger,” he says.

“None of that was your fault,” Ruby insists. “And we aren’t anymore, right? And we’re all sorry. And we all _mean_ it.” He pauses. Scrubs a hand through his hair, says, “And I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you guys. At first it was just...to get some space, maybe, to uh. Process everything that happened. And then it seemed like it had been too long, and I didn’t know how to…Jasmine said it didn’t matter, but…” He trails off. Shrugs, looking embarrassed. “It’s not a good excuse.”

“It’s okay,” Cesar says, and Jamal shakes his head.

“It’s not, Cesar,” he says. “I did the same thing, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

“Then I am too,” Cesar says, “we all fucked up. It’s okay now.”

“Is it?” Ruby says. He looks uncomfortable. “I feel like. I feel like there’s no way to take any of it back. Like we gotta live with it.”

Cesar takes a deep breath. Says, “So what?” and then, when they stare at him, “Either we move past it or we don’t.” He takes another breath. “And I wanna move past it. I. I miss you guys.”

“I missed you, too,” Jamal says, choked up, and Ruby echoes it, and then they’re hugging again, and Cesar thinks that maybe things will be okay.


	6. tell them again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from the 1975's what should i say !

“Hold up,” Ruby says as they make their way to Cesar’s house, the last few minutes spent trying to catch up as well as could be done on a short walk home, “Spooky’s dating Neni? _Angelica’s_ Neni?”

“They’re just cousins, right,” Jamal says, concerned, and Cesar gives him a disapproving look.

“I mean,” Cesar says, because part of him still desperately hopes he’s wrong even if he knows he’s not, “he didn’t like...introduce her as his ruca or anything, but she’s over a lot. He goes to see her at work. He got a real _job_ right after they met.”

“My dad says he’s a great worker,” Jamal offers, and Ruby nods, considering.

“He makes really good ceviche.”

“Yeah, I know,” Cesar says, and wrinkles his nose. “What, d’you think there’s something wrong with Neni?”

“I mean, if she’s related to Angelica that’s pretty much a problem all on it’s own,” Jamal says, which might be a fair point.

“Nah, she’s cool,” Ruby says. “She’s been over a few times, too, when Angelica comes by for dinner. It’s like a weird family playdate.”

“Hey, you think Angelica and Mario will last this time?” Jamal sounds genuinely curious. “I mean, he’s back at school again, right?”

“I guess they’re doing long-distance,” Ruby says, “but, no, Cesar, to answer your question, as far as I know Neni’s good people. Although maybe the same can’t be said of her taste in men, if she’s dating Spooky.”

Cesar scowls. “There’s nothing wrong with Oscar.”

“He has face tats.”

“He’s getting rid of those.”

“Really?” Both Ruby and Jamal seem surprised, which...fair, even if it stings a little. “Wow, maybe she _is_ a good influence.”

“I guess,” Cesar says, and frowns a little. He notices them look at each other, communicating via eyebrow like they’ve always been good at. “What?”

“You don’t like her,” Jamal says, sage. 

Cesar scoffs, knows it’s obvious even as he says, “Yes I do.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” Ruby says, and holds his hands up in surrender when Cesar shoots back, “What, and you are?”

“Let’s relax,” he says, smoothing down his button-up, “why don’t you like her?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t.”

“You didn’t say you did.”

“Did she do something?” Jamal looks concerned. He gasps suddenly, says, “Do you think she’s a spy?”

“No,” Cesar says, and makes a mental note to ask about Kendra later. “Things are calmer now. Oso has been stepping up, lately.”

“Which Santo is that?”

“The big one,” Cesar says, and waves off the rest of Jamal’s questions before he can ask. “She’s normal. She works at the library.”

“So why don’t you like her?” Ruby looks more curious than concerned, which Cesar honestly doesn’t like much either.

“I don’t...not like her.”

“Interesting,” Jamal says. “What, is she doing the mom thing? I know Spooky was going full dad-mode over the summer.”

“I mean,” Ruby starts, but Cesar isn’t eager to revisit just why, exactly, Oscar was like that.

“No,” Cesar says, and then finally admits, “I don’t think Oscar’s had a real girlfriend since—I mean, since before he got locked up.”

Ruby nods. “He did before that, right? What was her name…?”

“I wanna say Courtney Love but that’s not right,” Jamal says, and Cesar starts laughing.

“Close,” he says, “Claudia.”

“How is that anything like Courtney—”

“Her last name’s Ama.”

Jamal snaps his fingers at Ruby, says, “ _See_?” and then turns to Cesar. “What happened to her, anyway?”

“She’s a teacher now,” Cesar says, and then, because it’s a secret he wants to share, “I saw her the other day.”

“Really?”

“That’s nice,” Jamal offers, “I didn’t know you guys were still talking.”

“We weren’t,” Cesar says, rubbing his neck. They’re nearing his house, and he doesn’t want this reunion to end quite yet. “I found her on Instagram.”

“Did you slide into your brother’s ex-girlfriend’s DMs,” Ruby says, a little disturbed, and Cesar frowns.

“Not like _that_ ,” he says, “I hadn’t talked to her in, like, a year. I just wanted to catch up.”

“Well _I_ think it’s nice of her,” Jamal says, “I remember she made really good chocolate chip cookies. Does she still make them?”

“She was great,” Cesar says, because she was. She still is. She was there when he needed her, then and now. It’s nice to be in contact again, to grab lunch here and there on weekends and talk about school and Cesar’s plans and even what he and Monse are up to, but it aches, just a little, to think she won’t ever be around the way she used to be, back when they were almost a family.

They _were_ a family. Cesar’s sure of it.

“Oooh,” Jamal says suddenly, like he’s just gotten another idea on par with the RollerWorld money. “I get it. You miss having her around.”

“What?”

“She used to play house with you guys, didn’t she?” Ruby says, slowly, “I remember her at birthday parties. She was _def_ out of your brother’s league.”

Cesar knows this is true; he’s pretty sure Oscar does, too, so he doesn’t bother defending him: “I mean, she lived with us for a little while. And then she left for school.”

“And Spooky went to jail,” Ruby says, shaking his head, “that’s tough.”

“Yeah,” Cesar says. They’re quiet as they turn onto his block.

“Are you sure Neni and Spooky are dating?” Jamal says.

“She’s over all the time,” Cesar says, turning his head a little to raise his eyebrows, and Jamal shrugs. 

“Sucks,” he says, “‘cause otherwise we could try our hand at matchmaking, you know.”

“That sounds like a disaster,” Ruby says, “you still haven’t introduced us to _Kendra_.”

“The three of us haven’t hung out in months, first of all, _second_ , she’s up in Glendale right now—”

“Of _course_ she’s out of town—”

“This is my stop,” Cesar says, because they’re in front of his house, Oscar with his shades on and sitting on the steps. “Catch you guys later?”

“Yeah,” Ruby says, waving while Jamal launches into a rant about his maybe-imaginary girlfriend, “see you later, C,” and together they walk off.

“You hanging out with your little friends again?” Oscar asks, stubbing out his cigarette and standing as Cesar comes up the front walkway. 

“Yeah,” Cesar says, and when he grins it feels genuine in a way it hasn’t for a long, long time.


	7. bad idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not back but i AM trying to finish this fic / golden girl by the end of this summer, so!! this takes place before ch7 of the latter <3

“Maybe we  _ should _ matchmake,” Cesar says during gym, and Jamal whips around with a wide-eyed expression.

“What?”

“Oscar and Claudia,” he clarifies, and dodges the ball thrown directly at his face while Jamal dives behind him. “I mean, Neni’s nice, but it’s not like they’ve been dating that long—”

“You wanna destroy your brother’s new relationship?”

Cesar winces. “I mean—”

“I am not judging you,” Jamal says, one hand up by his face like he’s swearing on it, and then screeches when a ball smacks into his palm, flailing and somehow successfully catching it. “Gotcha!” he exclaims, and then shouts across the room, “Try again, Charles!” and does a little dance as their classmate shuffles off the court. He says to Cesar, “Tell me more.”

Cesar takes a rubber ball to the mouth before he can answer; Jamal is hit with the ricochet, and Coach sends them both to the nurse afterwards. It’s, unfortunately, an average day.

“That’s gonna bruise, buddy,” Jamal says, Cesar cradling his jaw while they walk towards the nurse’s office. The halls are quiet, the floors squeaking underneath their shoes and reflecting the harsh glare of the overhead lights. 

“I’m fine,” he says, even if the inside of his cheek is smarting where he bit himself.

“So the plan?”

It takes Cesar a second to respond, and for a second he doesn’t know what Jamal is talking about. “Oh! Right. The plan.”

Jamal waits six seconds. “You don’t have one.”

“I don’t...not have one.”

“Cesar,” Jamal says, “you are trying to destroy a man’s most intimate relationship. You need a plan.”

“Please don’t use the word intimate,” Cesar says, and then, “what should we do?”

“I hate to say it,” he says, “but we’re going to have to talk to Ruby.”

“We’re friends with Ruby.”

“Well, yeah,” Jamal says, opening the door to the nurse’s office, “but that means we’re gonna have to recruit Jasmine. And you know she’s gonna try to take on a leadership role when this is _clearly_ something you should be in charge of—”

Jamal does not keep this attitude very long. Later that afternoon, Cesar and Ruby stare at each other while Jasmine and Jamal argue about what constitutes a good plan, and which of them—meaning _not Cesar_ —should be leading it. Ruby’s still hung up on the ethical side.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Ruby says, leaning forward a little. In front of where the two of them are sitting, criss-cross on the floor near Jasmine’s bed, things are flying. “You said Oscar’s been doing good.”

Cesar flinches, and maybe something ugly settles in his lungs. Oscar has been doing good; the job, the laser removal, the ongoing hands-on-dad thing he’s been on since the summer, that’s all proof. But part of Cesar smarts at it. Why did it take so long for this to happen? Was it just what happened over the summer—Cuchillos sending them on a wild goose chase and Oscar finally deciding enough was enough? Cesar wants that to be true. But it’s just...suspicious, he thinks, that the biggest changes happened after Neni showed up.

Will splitting them up somehow reverse all of that? Cesar’s afraid of the answer. But it's not enough to stop him from recruiting his friends for this half-started plan.  


“Cesar!” Jasmine catches their attention with an earth-shattering screech. “What do you think?”

For some reason, Jamal’s panting. He looks like he’s been doing laps. Cesar clears his throat, and tries to avoid looking at Ruby. “I think,” he says slowly, “that we should call Monse.”

When they do, she seems unimpressed.

“You guys are idiots,” Monse drawls, hand propping up her head. Cesar misses her so bad it hurts, and doesn’t care that he’s taking up most of the space in front of the laptop they have perched at the end of Jasmine’s bed. “Are you even sure they’re dating? Cesar, no offense, it just sounds like they’re hanging out.”

“Honey, that’s modern-day romance,” Jasmine says, shoving Cesar away from the screen. “I haven’t caught them in the act yet, but it’s only a matter of time.”

“Jasmine,” Cesar says, disgusted, and Ruby nods, looking a little green.

“You can’t keep recording people having sex,” Ruby tells her, “I’m pretty sure that’s a crime.”

“It’s a sexy crime.”

“Anyway,” Monse says, voice tinny through the laptop speaker, “I think honesty is probably the best policy here.”

“I dunno what that means,” Jasmine says, matter-of-fact, and when Cesar catches sight of Ruby’s expression he can’t help but laugh. When he turns back to the computer screen, Monse’s smiling like it’s just the two of them, and something in his chest flutters. 

“They hang out a lot,” he says, instead of just staring at her like he wants to, “she comes over.”

“Have you seen them kiss?” Monse laughs at the face he makes. “Cesar. Not even on the cheek? That’s like. Everyone does that.”

“This is true,” Ruby interrupts. 

“Physical touch is important for maintaining intimacy,” Jamal says, and Cesar turns to glare at him. “Don’t be like that, C, you and Monse held hands  _ everywhere _ , I’m not just talking about your brother’s sex life—”

“I don’t wanna talk about this,” he says, and then all of them are talking over one another again, and Jasmine is insisting that she be allowed access to Oscar’s room to set up some cameras.

“That’s a  _ crime _ ,” Ruby says again, and then Cesar looks to Monse, looking startlingly clear on Jasmine’s laptop, and just grins at her, a little helpless like he always is.


	8. right side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place post-ch7 in gg!! and with that we are done here <3

Cesar doesn’t cry when he realizes Neni is pregnant, but it’s close.

He’s only a little embarrassed about it afterwards, when Oscar tells him he is _not_ the father (Monse’s words only echo a little bit, and not at all with an accusatory tone). It’s a good talk, he thinks. More things make sense. He starts to believe Oscar when he says they’re getting out of here, even if part of him is afraid of what that really means.

Neni, for her part, takes it in good stride, even if Cesar feels a little stupid in the aftermath. His friends’ incredulous reactions don’t help much, but there’s not much else he can do besides call them off.

“They’re _not_ dating?” Jamal sounds nearly upset on their walk home from school. “But—”

“This is good, isn’t it?” Ruby says, “I mean, it solves the not wanting a new mom thing.”

“Ruby,” Cesar says, a little hurt. Jamal _tsks_.

“You two are so quick to lose sight of our primary motivation,” he says, and spins around, walking backwards so he can gesticulate wildly at them. “If anything, this is a sign we’re doing the _right_ thing.”

“What are you talking about.” Vaguely, Cesar wonders if Ruby would be in a better mood if Jasmine were with them, but she’s on a two-day trip with her Civics class before class lets out for Thanksgiving. 

“The point of this exercise is to get _Ms_. Claudia Ama back into Cesar’s life, full-time,” he says. 

“Uh,” Cesar starts, “that’s not really—”

“Let me finish,” Jamal says. He’s still walking backwards, turning onto Cesar’s block with ease. “Spooky is single and not having a baby with Angelica’s normal cousin. You have bimonthly lunch dates with his ex-girlfriend—which is a little weird, I will not lie. Regardless! Now is the time to strike.”

“What do you mean by strike?” Ruby says, looking concerned, and Cesar can’t blame him.

“Focus,” Jamal says, “if we play our cards right, we can get Spooky and Claudia back in the same room, and the sexual tension will resolve itself.”

‘Hold up—”

“What are you _escuincles_ up to?” 

The three of them jerk to a stop in front of Cesar’s house, spinning around guiltily. Neni’s leaning against her car, and Cesar blinks like it’s the first he’s ever seen her. Something about her seems different—

“Oh, you _popped_ , didn’t you,” Jamal exclaims, and Ruby heaves a sigh next to him while Cesar tries to keep a straight face.

For her part, Neni looks mostly amused. She’s wearing what must be cropped leggings—he’s never met a girl who nearly exclusively wears workout gear like she does—and a loose yellow top, but where she was barely showing last he saw her, she’s suddenly clearly pregnant, and he wonders how he could have missed it for so long. She’s got an orange-colored smoothie in hand. 

“Yup,” she says to them, and then laughs, throwing her hair over her shoulder. “Lemme guess. You didn’t know I was pregnant, either?”

“You look good,” Jamal says, gesturing a little circle around her, and she grins, “got that _glow._ What’s your skin routine?”

“Mario Badescu,” she says, and then, “what’s this about _Spooky_ , huh?”

Jamal sputters, Cesar and Ruby flinching. Neni raises one well-manicured eyebrow. Cesar says, “We were just—”

“They wanna get him and his ex back together,” Ruby says, and Jamal whirls around, eyes wide.

“I didn’t take you for a snitch, _Ruben_ —”

“She’s an _adult_ —”

“We weren’t gonna do that,” Cesar says, hands up, placating. “We were just…talking, you know. Uh. Reminiscing?”

Neni straightens up. She’s taller than them, but only just. Incomprehensibly, Cesar wonders when his next growth spurt is going to hit—he remembers Claudia last summer, saying one day he’d be as big as Oscar, and then what was she going to do?, and finds himself blinking away the sudden tears. If Neni notices she doesn’t say anything, just comes close to them with a curious look in her eye. 

She says, “You hang out with her still, don’t you?”

Cesar feels like this might be a trap. He says, a little nervous, “Yeah. Sometimes.”

She tilts her head. Her eyes are almost as dark as Oscar’s, and in this moment she looks about as dangerous, baby bump or no. She says, “What’s the plan?” and all of the air in Cesar’s chest _whooshes_ out.

“What?”

She shrugs, cocks a hip. She goes to cradle her belly almost unthinkingly, says, “What, you’re just gonna make them magically run into each other at the grocery store again?”

“Isn’t that how you and Oscar became friends?”

“And what’s your point?” she says, but she’s grinning a little. “C’mon, tell me.”

“You’re a real chismosa, you know that,” Ruby says, and she smiles with all her teeth. 

“You've met my cousin, right?”

“Who hasn’t,” Ruby mutters, and throws his hands up at the looks it gets him. “What? Neni, why are you asking?”

“Maybe I want in,” she says, haughty, but at least looks a little embarrassed at the expression that Cesar knows is on all three of their faces. “What?”

“You’re an adult,” Ruby repeats, and she rolls her eyes.

“Bro, I’m twenty-two,” she says, “I just graduated in May.”

“You’re having a baby,” Cesar points out, and she just wrinkles her nose at that.

“That’s, like, making-it-up-as-you-go,” she says, “at least for your first kid.”

“There are parenting books,” Ruby points out. Jamal has a calculating expression on his face that Cesar doesn’t like.

“You think I’m not reading those?” she says, and puts both hands on her hips. It makes her look more obviously pregnant. A little cute, even, not that Cesar will say that out loud. “That’s not what this conversation is about, anyway.”

“Why would you wanna help us?” Cesar asks. There’s a nervous thrum starting up under his skin, and his palms are sweaty where they’re gripping the straps of his backpack. 

Neni says, “Bro, I saw how they were looking at each other when she was dropping you off that one time. Your brother is still stupid in love with her.”

“Miss Neni,” Jamal says, springing into action. He sweeps an arm towards Ruby and Cesar, voice grandiose, “Is this your official request to join our ranks?”

“Is this you telling me there isn’t a real plan?” she asks, eyebrow quirked upwards again, “c’mon, at least give me a little hint.”

“We’re working on it,” he says, and snaps his fingers, “unless we wanna try and go Jasmine’s route—”

“No,” Ruby and Cesar say, simultaneous, Neni looking on in amusement. 

“We can’t show you all our cards, sorry,” Jamal says to her, and she laughs again.

“Okay,” she says, “I’ll pretend you guys have a plan. You wanna hear mine?”

“Why do you have a plan,” Ruby tries, but is shushed.

“I’m only working part-time,” Neni shrugs. “Anyway. Most people have housewarming parties after they move, you know. You invite people you wanna celebrate with. And which cholo with a bad attitude is moving out soon?”

The three of them stare at her. She grins.

“We got lots of time and I follow her on Instagram. This is gonna be _easy._ ”


End file.
